Posted 4 hours ago

I’m tired of people trying to infringe on my right to bear arms. Are you telling me I can’t go bear hunting, just me and my bear friends? Are you telling me I can’t protect my family from intruders? It’s happened before, it could happen again. I don’t want that Goldilocks girl back in my house. Don’t even get me started on those ad execs from Charmin. If you want your food to stay safe on your next camping trip, you’ll let me keep my bear guns.

Posted 16 hours ago

Never forget.

Posted 16 hours ago

There’s no better snapshot of our country at any time in the last 40 years than old Weekend Update segments. The 2003 episode that VH1 Classic just aired featured a nod to the “rise of search engines like google.com,” the aftermath of the infamous Dixie Chicks comment, and the first appearance of Freedom Fries in the Congressional cafeteria.

Posted 19 hours ago

I’m tired of this apathy and willful ignorance that young ones cling to so tightly. It’s so frustrating when Republicans are Republicans only because their parents are Republicans. Democrats only because their parents are Democrats. Dogs only because their parents are dogs. I guess I’m frustrated with dogs most of all. They could be wolves if only they tried a little harder.

Posted 1 day ago

The early bird gets the worm. He really gets her. He understands why she wriggles around in the dirt at odd hours. He understands her commitment to making soil more fertile by breaking down organic matter. He doesn’t understand how she is able to regenerate segments of her body, but he gets it. There are some things the worm doesn’t understand about the early bird, but as she soars through the air safe in the warm embrace of the bird’s beak, she’s not concerned about this. Some things just take time, she reasons. Everything is okay.

Posted 1 day ago

happy national bowtie day. celebrate by stuffing a nerd into a locker.

Posted 1 day ago

I’ve got a multivitamin and a greasy Mexican breakfast in my stomach, and I’m ready to karate chop today in the face.

Posted 1 day ago

an aimless sex toy salesman who goes on a quest for fulfillment by making the ultimate butt plug sale, only to realize that happiness was inside him all along.

Posted 1 day ago

famous members of Second City

(Source: johnbelushi)

Posted 1 day ago

"the airbags in my skeleton box" — just a new nickname for lungs that I’m gonna try out on my doctor during my next check-up.

Posted 2 days ago

President Obama has been disappointing on a lot of issues, but most disappointing to me is his failure to come through on his promises for more whistleblower protections. I have been standing on a street corner blowing my whistle almost continuously for only 5 hours and have already been punched 49 times, kicked 7 times, and threatened too many times to count. I’m out $127.40 for all of the stolen whistles I’ve had to replace. I’ve had several offers from the NFL referee association, but I’m afraid for my life. My trust in Obama, like my left lung, has collapsed.

Posted 2 days ago

sometimes work is soul-sucking and draining, but then sometimes you see a sweet old woman wearing a shirt with arrows pointing to her arms that says “Obama can’t take these guns!” and it makes it all worth it.

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